I Want Freedom

Being stuck in this world without the mind of my own, like a body without a spirit. That's what I'm feeling right now. Seems like I'm tied over my parents’ legs. I don't have the life of my own. This is so unfair. Why do I always do what they want me to do and just let me forget about the things I want to do for my own? In every decision I make, their always apart of it. They just don't know how many times in my life when I lost out so many things because they refused me to seize the moment. I could go farther. When could I have my own life? I want it now. I just wanted to find my self, and let my own thinking decide for itself. Is it wrong to spread my wings and let the wind blow me to it's direction, and see where life takes me. I'm fed up with their words. They keep on saying "Don't" to me like: "don't eat ice cream, don't drink soda, don't get wet under the rain, don't shout and dance etc.. wanted to tell them, "When will you allow me to be a person with my own life? Are you not stealing my childhood from me?" As a young one I know that I still need their parental guidance, but the way they are dealing it is so mean. Being parents have limitations, it doesn't mean that they can rule over our lives and let us do things what they want us to do. They are there for guidance not to judge us. I want to have space. I want to be somebody in this world who is capable of living with my own will. I wanted to prove to them that I could live my own life without them. And there are so many things I wanted to tell them, the problem is that, I don't have the guts. I'm afraid that after the things I will be saying my world might be different and instead of having what I want I might have the worst problem. I have so many things I want to do in life, I wanted to save and make every moment of it and worth reminiscing for. If only given the freedom to do what I want and to choose what I need. Sometimes a thought came to my mind. What's the use of being born in this world if everything I want to do can't be done? Wish I were not born. Life is indeed useless if it is not me who’s going to put the colors in it.We, young ones have lost out several opportunities because parents were over cautious, scared or just plain timid. Some job seekers did not get jobs because their parents were not willing to let them venture into the unknown. Some wanted to be sent to other places because they want to move out of their comfort zones. Their parents must let us seize the moment, allow us to go through a lot of hardships, let us overcome it and tomorrow, you'll see. We'll be enjoying the fruits of our own labor in comfort.Let us live today! Tomorrow is still far away and Dame Opportunity comes knocking only ones! So let us walk in the rain, skip rope until we still can. One day, we may no longer be able to do those things. Imagine the wonderful memories we will gather.

Regrets

In life we must not hold the person close to us so tight so when God takes it back we won't be hurt that much. But in some cases we are not strong enough the urge, not to love them. Eventually we will fall. And the hardest part here is no one bothers to catch you and instead seeing them catching someone else while we are falling. There are different situations where it comes to loving and mine is something you should not follow. This big thing started when a simple guy courted me. At that time I was in a need of a boyfriend. So, without second thoughts I'm he's, and he's mine. I thought everything would work out just fine, but as days started to went by, I started to hate his presence. And wish that I have never allowed him to be apart of me. I wanted to go back the way it was before, SINGLE. where at that point I don't have to worry about anyone, and have no obligations. I can't imagine my self with him on the incoming days. It makes me want to vomit. I want to cry, cause I have made the wrong decision. i want to scream my heart out and tell the whole world how stupid I am to be a part of such a thing. What I am feeling right now is so weird. I don't understand. I wanted to break-up with him as soon as possible. I can not stay any longer. I can't fake what I feel. I can't sense anything for him. I wanted to escape from this. I am trapped!!I don't know what I should feel now, should I be happy? sad? or what? I am finally free, yeah! I am free from him. And now I must now learn to live my life without him. Though my conscience is bothering me. But I guess that, what I did was right. It is better for both of us so we won't be hurting each other, than pretending and playing a fool with my feelings for him. I wont hurt him more this way.I thought everything was over. But then, life without him isn’t the same like before. And before I knew, I had fallen in love with him. I want him back. I never thought that a guy like him could make this big impact in my life.

I Still Love Him

Looking at the darkness. Hearing nothing but lies. Sensing every bit of pain, and a mind that thinks nothing, but him. That’s how I’m going right now. Many questions are bottled up inside me. Hoping to have a answer. Why did I love him? Why aren’t we meant to be? Why can’t I have him? Why does love continue even if the person hurt you so? Why does love grow more and more each day when you already let the person go? Not a single reply I’ve got.

Time went by so swiftly. I don’t remember how these things happen. The last thing I knew was that I’m crazy over my third boyfriend and now I just broke up with my fourth boyfriend. Ouch! It really does pains me remembering the happy memories both of us shared we’re simply memories, Memories that I can’t help but think about. And something I can’t have back.

It was going so well for both of us. Everything seems to be perfect. During those times, I never wished for more. I think he was the best guy in the world. I thank God for crossing our paths. I don’t want to lose him though I haven’t met him yet. Our relationship is only through text. Did tell you? Big deal. I have this weird feeling towards him. Something I can’t explain. I don’t know what charisma he got that makes me wanting him.

He seems so different with the other guys I’ve been with before. Honestly, this is the only relationship that I swear to my self that I will work with seriously. This time I would try my best to make things work. Now, I’m willing to take all risk for him. I will hand him down anything he wanted as long as I can. I want this relationship to last.

But not too long one text. My world sank. He wanted a break up. I asked him “what’s wrong”. He refused to answer my question. I’m confused then, I felt so stupid. I wanted to clear things up with him. I called him. He answered it, and without letting me speak he said “Naa ko lain uyab.bye”. He ended the call. Wow! Was that easy for him to tell me such things? I couldn’t believe that he was using me all this time. He made a fool of me. I don’t want to believe that it’s over between the two of us.

I was praying the whole night, hoping that this is not the end. Or probably this is just a dream and soon I will wake up...But unfortunately, it’s not, and will never be. I don’t know what to do. I wanted to go after him and tell him I won’t let him go… Because I want him… Because I need him… Because I love him! I wanted to hug him and feel he’s heartbeat next to mine. Oh God, is this a punishment or something? I wanted to blame God for all of this things. Why did he He let us meet and worst made me fall for him. If by chance He would take him away from me. Is there a reason? Lesson for this? I think NONE! SHIT!

Why now? Now, that I am willing to fight for my love. Now, when I’m willing to risk everything. Now, that I’m desperate to do things just for him. Now, that I’m trying to make things work. Now, that I’m strong enough to continue this. Now, that I deal with this things seriously and devotedly… He dumped me! It’s not easy being this way, tormented, crushed!

It hurts so much. I can’t even cry cause it can’t justify the pain I’m into right now, I don’t want to move, I just want to stay in bed, hug my pillow and close my eyes. Hoping that when I open them again this aching are gone. I wanted to see him even from a far. Make believe he’s mine.

The days that follow we’re the saddest days of my life. How my heartaches when I see him walk with his new girl by his side, there’s a feeling inside me want to grab her away from her. How it hurts somebody else now owns the see the guy I longed possessed. That special smile I long for him to cast on me is now casted on her. As he passed by me he doesn’t know that I whispered the words “I will still love you”.

I’m starting to hate my self now, because after all the hurts he had made me feel, I’m still numb and still and will always be longing for him.

I just loved him, was it wrong? Or did I just love him so much? I want him back not wanting to let go. Is it my fault if it’s him that I’m looking for? Certainly not! If only I could teach this god damn heart of mine not to love him.. I’ve done it.

All I want now is just one more chance. Or maybe just one more day that he could be my baby again. I will give him all the reason to love me. And prove to him, I am worth the chance.

Now that saying I LOVE YOU might be to late, still I want him to know that I will always love him and my heart has always been and will always been and will always be he’s alone.

We can’t beg someone to stay if they want to leave and be with someone else, if they really love us, even if how many times you’ve hurt them they will surely stay. We have to admit that love doesn’t give us the license to own someone, this is what love means. Sacrifice.