I Still Love Him

Looking at the darkness. Hearing nothing but lies. Sensing every bit of pain, and a mind that thinks nothing, but him. That’s how I’m going right now. Many questions are bottled up inside me. Hoping to have a answer. Why did I love him? Why aren’t we meant to be? Why can’t I have him? Why does love continue even if the person hurt you so? Why does love grow more and more each day when you already let the person go? Not a single reply I’ve got.

Time went by so swiftly. I don’t remember how these things happen. The last thing I knew was that I’m crazy over my third boyfriend and now I just broke up with my fourth boyfriend. Ouch! It really does pains me remembering the happy memories both of us shared we’re simply memories, Memories that I can’t help but think about. And something I can’t have back.

It was going so well for both of us. Everything seems to be perfect. During those times, I never wished for more. I think he was the best guy in the world. I thank God for crossing our paths. I don’t want to lose him though I haven’t met him yet. Our relationship is only through text. Did tell you? Big deal. I have this weird feeling towards him. Something I can’t explain. I don’t know what charisma he got that makes me wanting him.

He seems so different with the other guys I’ve been with before. Honestly, this is the only relationship that I swear to my self that I will work with seriously. This time I would try my best to make things work. Now, I’m willing to take all risk for him. I will hand him down anything he wanted as long as I can. I want this relationship to last.

But not too long one text. My world sank. He wanted a break up. I asked him “what’s wrong”. He refused to answer my question. I’m confused then, I felt so stupid. I wanted to clear things up with him. I called him. He answered it, and without letting me speak he said “Naa ko lain uyab.bye”. He ended the call. Wow! Was that easy for him to tell me such things? I couldn’t believe that he was using me all this time. He made a fool of me. I don’t want to believe that it’s over between the two of us.

I was praying the whole night, hoping that this is not the end. Or probably this is just a dream and soon I will wake up...But unfortunately, it’s not, and will never be. I don’t know what to do. I wanted to go after him and tell him I won’t let him go… Because I want him… Because I need him… Because I love him! I wanted to hug him and feel he’s heartbeat next to mine. Oh God, is this a punishment or something? I wanted to blame God for all of this things. Why did he He let us meet and worst made me fall for him. If by chance He would take him away from me. Is there a reason? Lesson for this? I think NONE! SHIT!

Why now? Now, that I am willing to fight for my love. Now, when I’m willing to risk everything. Now, that I’m desperate to do things just for him. Now, that I’m trying to make things work. Now, that I’m strong enough to continue this. Now, that I deal with this things seriously and devotedly… He dumped me! It’s not easy being this way, tormented, crushed!

It hurts so much. I can’t even cry cause it can’t justify the pain I’m into right now, I don’t want to move, I just want to stay in bed, hug my pillow and close my eyes. Hoping that when I open them again this aching are gone. I wanted to see him even from a far. Make believe he’s mine.

The days that follow we’re the saddest days of my life. How my heartaches when I see him walk with his new girl by his side, there’s a feeling inside me want to grab her away from her. How it hurts somebody else now owns the see the guy I longed possessed. That special smile I long for him to cast on me is now casted on her. As he passed by me he doesn’t know that I whispered the words “I will still love you”.

I’m starting to hate my self now, because after all the hurts he had made me feel, I’m still numb and still and will always be longing for him.

I just loved him, was it wrong? Or did I just love him so much? I want him back not wanting to let go. Is it my fault if it’s him that I’m looking for? Certainly not! If only I could teach this god damn heart of mine not to love him.. I’ve done it.

All I want now is just one more chance. Or maybe just one more day that he could be my baby again. I will give him all the reason to love me. And prove to him, I am worth the chance.

Now that saying I LOVE YOU might be to late, still I want him to know that I will always love him and my heart has always been and will always been and will always be he’s alone.

We can’t beg someone to stay if they want to leave and be with someone else, if they really love us, even if how many times you’ve hurt them they will surely stay. We have to admit that love doesn’t give us the license to own someone, this is what love means. Sacrifice.